Then I suddenly get these bursts where I have so much to say, but the words don't come out right, it's so frustrating!!
Another Christmas has come and gone without Jaise, but there was still presents under the tree for and from him.
We spent a few weeks in QLD with my parents and enjoyed every moment of it.... Except having to go to a cemetery to visit my boy.
The first visit at Christmas was teary, seeing so many Christmas decorations around the cemetery made me even sadder, but knowing I wasn't the only one visiting a loved one here at this time of year kinda helped, if that makes sense?
Whenever I leave the cemetery I still ask 'why' and this time I asked my mum what I had done wrong to deserve this pain, why do my daughters have to visit their brother here, why can't we all be together?
Mum assured me that I wasn't being punished, it was just a terrible accident and did the only thing she could do for her daughter, hug her.
The second visit was the day we left to come home, I spent time cleaning, rearranging be fussing over all Jaise's little gifts and knick knacks that are around his grave.
Both my girls say with me in silence, I could hear their hearts breaking even more, I didn't think this was possible.
I said sorry to them, like I often do when they get upset, I'm sorry that I couldn't save Jaise and I'm sorry that they must live with this pain and the memories of that day forever.
The fact is though, I have no reason to be sorry. Yes my supervision broke down that day, I had 4 children under 8 in my care, I was doing housework, I was being a mum.
Had there been more education about water safety, had the government had legislation in place to prevent this happening in the first place, we wouldn't be sitting under a gumtree in a cemetery costing Jaise, we'd probably be at the beach or having hot chips in the park.
So this morning on the way to work I hear the news, the headlines were '2 children drown in Sydney over the weekend'
My hearts sank, although I should be used to hearing this news because it happens too often.
My first thought is the poor little ones.... Followed by the realisation that the parents will be living my life now, the torment, the pain, the accusations, it's all unfair.
I am a firm believer and advocate that if anyone neglects to secure a pool, be it portable or permanent, they should be charged.
I'd be charged if I was speeding and drunk behind a wheel and caused a death, so why is this any different?
I also advocate for education and awareness.
SUPERVISION is the key to ZERO drownings, followed by compliant barriers.
ALL children MUST be supervised in the water, wether it's a bath, pool, sea, dam or spa.
Why isn't there active campaigns to educate the public on this? Why is CPR pushed so much to save children when that should be the last resort? Sure knowing CPR is valuable but the success of CPR is very very low!
Then there's swimming lessons, the thorn in my side!
YES, kids should know how to swim, but that won't always save their lives.
Jaise fell into a freezing cold pool, he was asthmatic and fully dressed, he had no chance at saving himself.
My biggest concern and the thing that angers me the most is the fact that the NSW government still has multiple rules for pools..... There should be ONE RULE FOR ALL POOLS!!!
Why is it ok to have no fence on a pool that was built in 1989 yet if a pool is installed today, it must comply to different rules?
So tonight you will all watch the news and learn about these recent tragedies. You will be saddened and you will sympathise, but I ask you PLEASE do not judge the parents without the facts.
Remember when swimming, bathing and enjoying water activities SUPERVISE children!
I don't want you to have to walk this path alongside my family and I
